between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
Randomize
