You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
We're not piercing ourselves today.
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
The power of my boobs compel you
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
