So Ive decided I have serious issues. Im walking around the school with a bag labeled booze money collecting from people while slightly hungover at 8:20 in the morning, and nobody is questioning me.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
Randomize
