Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
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