I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
