Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
Randomize
