Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
