Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
Is it bad that I voted for Scott Brown because I want to fuck him?
Nah. I did too.
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
