Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
Randomize
