explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
We need to get me chipped asap
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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