We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
