ya dads aren't the best wingmen
he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
Randomize
