One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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