did you know that the clit is basically just a tiny penis? Ya.. So just think about that next time you're down there.
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
