You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
Randomize
