I just saw a hot homeless man
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
theres gunna be a new season of 16 and pregnant on mtv...WHERE DO THEY KEEP FINDING THESE IGNORANT PREGNANT GIRLS
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Randomize
