Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
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