Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
I still can't believe that I ate McDonald's off of my chest in his bed...
Cross faded me is not the classiest.
No not at all haha I wish there was a picture of that
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
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