who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Randomize
