Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
Deadliest Catch is NOT foreplay
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
I only see on penis in this picture but I assume there is another lurking out of sight.
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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