capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
