Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
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