I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
I made a powerpoint to trip to.
you are so studious.
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
Randomize
