So I just did the walk of shame at dunkin... A lady told me me I was really dressed up and I told her I was going to a luncheon.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
we are watching a video on ethics because somebody wrote "butt sex" on the attendance sign in sheet
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
Randomize
