Everything about him screamed your future.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
It's not a walk of shame if you run
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
