I'm gonna write a book, Things that go bump in the night: The story of Katelyn. Chapter one, my roommate is a dumb whore.
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
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