also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
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