Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
this study room smells like vodka
the study room thinks the same about you
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
Randomize
