I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
