I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
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