i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
Randomize
