pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
Randomize
