i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
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