she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Randomize
