she takes plan B like it's going out of style
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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