I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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