Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
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