What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
Randomize
