Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
i'm signing you up for texting rehab
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
Randomize
