Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
Randomize
