i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
he was persistant. I supposedly owe him a bj from high school.
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
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