omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
Actually we have similar relationship styles aka no relationship... it could work
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
we should paint friendship bongs
Randomize
