Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Randomize
