I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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