I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Randomize
