11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
My hair reeks of homosexuality.
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
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