last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
Randomize
