Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
its not facebook stalking, its market reasearch
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
Randomize
