Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
Who put my cat in the fridge?
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
Randomize