Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
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