She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
Bret has after-school detention for writing Brianna has a stinky vag on the ground at recess.
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
Randomize
