y did u give ur computer a hand job?
you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
we just decided that lesbian tuesdays are a must, as of tomorrow.
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
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