Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
is it gross that my labia hangs so much that guys can't find my clit?
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
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