I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
Randomize
