I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
Literally had sex in his grow room under a plant.. ganja queen .
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
